So you moved across the county for work. Just you, your partner, and maybe a cat. Your mom, dad, and siblings are a thousand miles away. You were so excited to start this new life, to feel more independent, to see a new area of a country. And the job is great!
Just one problem...Now that you and your partner are settled and are supposed to be loving life, you feel so alone. At first all the time you spent together was great...you went hiking, out to dinner, saw the sites. But now, the two of you barely talk and all you do is watch TV. You try to reach out to your partner for that emotional closeness, but they seem miles away from you.
You know the saying, "It takes a village..."? That isn't only true with raising children. Historically people grew up in their family, lived with their parents until marriage, and then left home to live with their spouse…usually within walking distance to their parents, siblings, cousins, and aunts/uncles...you get the picture. At that time our emotional needs were easily met just by walking out the front door. They did not have to rely on their partner to meet these needs.
But in today’s society, when we are much farther away from our original families, the emotional connections we have can at times come exclusively from our partners. This can cause tensions in a relationship to escalate and new relationship dynamics to develop over time. Instead of going to each other for support we feel alone and isolated. These less helpful patterns include the what I have termed The Blame Game, Hide and Seek, and the Frozen Tundra (see 3 Dangerous Relationship Dynamics blog post).
No matter how dysfunctional these patterns may appear, each position in these dynamics is used as a way to protect either themselves or the relationship itself. The irony is that when your family is across the county, or in another country, you actually need each other the most! So it’s time to get out of these dynamics, recognize that you are pushing each other away, and find the love again!
3 Ways to Get Closer Again
Step Outside the Cycle:
First of all, nothing will change unless you are aware of it. So the first step is to begin to notice when you and your partner are getting into these patterns. Notice the feelings that come up for you, what is triggering this reaction? Keep in mind that your reaction makes complete sense. For whatever the reason, this situation with your partner is triggering some deep fear or need in you. Once you recognize that this fight is due to something more, you can step out of this pattern and go towards your partner in a softer and more supportive manner.
Communication! Communicate, no matter how vulnerable it makes you feel to open up to your parter in this manner. Ask for what you need. Tell them that you're scared of losing them. Tell them you feel alone. It will be so worth it in the end! Remember, this is the person that said yes to being with you, who loves you, who wants your happiness. Right now they may seem like a stranger, or worse, but that doesn't have to be forever. The rub is that the emotional intimacy can’t happen without your willingness to be vulnerable.
Have Some Fun Again
Get out of the house and go for a bike ride, a hike, take a pottery class, do something you’ve never done before. It truly doesn’t matter. The point is that for the last months (or maybe years?) you and your partner have been in opposite warring camps. You two have forgotten how to have fun together and love each other. Remember how you used to make each other laugh?
In our busy lives these patterns of behavior don’t just happen. There are jobs, kids, grocery shopping, housework, etc that keep us from truly enjoying the lives with our partners. Time spent having fun needs to be scheduled…get a babysitter and plan for Saturday night date night or Sunday brunches to be something you and your partner regularly do together. Try a new restaurant and play some board games. Passion in a relationship waxes and wanes over time, but it also needs help. Emotional closeness, having fun, remembering why you like each other. These things will lead to both emotional and physical intimacy. Variety is the spice of life…so reignite that passion by getting spicy and bring on the heat ;-)
Your Space, My Space, Our Space
So we’ve been talking about time together. And there will be a lot of that. But you also need time apart. Just because your partner is the only person you know within 500 miles doesn’t mean that it has to stay that way. Do something for you! Find groups in the area that cater to things you like book clubs, art classes, yoga. Be adventurous, take a risk, and (again) be vulnerable enough to put yourself in situations where you can find additional supports. This will give you and your partner time to miss each other and when you come together for your dates, that time will feel so much more special. Maybe grocery shopping or household chores will even be fun again…ok, maybe not fun, but maybe you’ll enjoy working together at least. As the two of you feel more solid in your relationship it won’t be as scary for your partner to be spending time with others. And because you’re spending time with others too, you won’t feel so lonely.
Dr. Rachel Orleck is a couples counselor in the Ballard Neighborhood of Seattle, WA. If you are struggling in your relationship, please feel free to reach out. Schedule a free consultation to see how Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help your relationship.
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