Initially in relationships everything is rainbows and sprinkles…if it weren’t I doubt you would’ve stayed with your partner past the first week. They make you happy, they always say the right thing, they give you those warm and fuzzies. This is the honeymoon period and everything comes out roses. However, over time things can seem to shift. There are more more arguments and these don’t always get resolved. “We always argue about the same thing!” I hear this a lot. There are three main relationship patterns of unhappy couples that seem to develop in a predictable order. I have termed these patterns The Blame Game, Hide and Seek, and the Frozen Tundra.
The Blame Game: In this pattern you blame the other for what went wrong. You are trying to justify your own actions or prove that your partner is just one big jerk! Initially you feel hurt and then you mobilize into attack mode. While these actions may seem somewhat aggressive in nature, their purpose is actually to protect that soft and vulnerable place inside you that was hurt or scared. Those feelings become too difficult to feel…too vulnerable and scary, so the secondary emotion of anger turns on to protect you. Likely over time you’ve come to expect the hurt so that primitive part of your brain, that is designed to only look for danger, begins to see it everywhere with your partner and you fight back even harder over time.
Hide and Seek: The blame game can morph into a game of hide and seek. As you move towards your partner in a negative manner, they move away and shut down. Again you move forward, again they pull away. This creates an emotional crisis…any response from your partner would be better than none at all, just to know that they feel something for or about you! Humans are biologically wired to be part of a group. That same primitive part that senses danger perceives being alone as a crisis. When your partner pulls away you feel the vulnerability of being alone and your only recourse is to go at them harder to get a response. Unfortunately, in a situation like Hide and Seek, your partner’s vulnerabilities and fears are also triggered. Their hiding is their tactic for self-preservation from being hurt…and because they fear being alone too, they pull away to avoid hurting the relationship (“I always say the wrong thing, if I say nothing it will be better”). This cycle can continue to escalate into the next dynamic.
The Frozen Tundra: At this point hide and seek has been played over and over again. This is the dynamic where the yelling and arguing cease. Both partners are scared, hurt, and frustrated. They give up. Initially this is likely a relief from the constant hostility, you may even notice that you are more polite and amicable with each other. But over time the relief gives way to loneliness, anxiety, and grief. No longer are you fighting for the relationship, but you are protecting yourselves from further hurt. This is the most dangerous dynamic for a relationship. While the others were not helpful interactions for strengthening your relationship, they at least involved partners actively trying to save the relationship in some way. If this dynamic lasts long enough, it will end the relationship.
Do you seem to be caught in any of these dynamics? If so, I’m so glad that you came across this posting today. The good news is that if you and partner have the desire to stay together, then there is work to be done and a relationship to mend! I hope that what you take from these descriptions is that no one is the bad guy. These patterns are how each of you are trying to save the relationship and yourselves from being hurt. Events from our past create sensitivities within us that activate an offensive response when triggered. As you learn more about your own, and your partner's, sensitivities then you are actually able to step out of these patterns and reach towards each other for support. Vocalizing your hurts, fears, and frustrations helps you understand each other, become closer, and feel more secure in the relationship.
Here are some questions for you to ponder, hopefully with your partner, as a way to begin these discussions:
Blame Game
- How do you blame your partner? What are your sensitivities and what about these situations triggers your response?
- What pattern do you notice in your relationship after the blame or accusation?
Hide and Seek
- Who hides and who seeks in your relationship?
- What are your triggers for withdrawing? What are your triggers for pursuing?
Frozen Tundra
- What keeps you from taking the step to connect with your partner? What are you scared will happen?
- Is there a risk you would be willing to take?
As you recognize these patterns and further open up to our partner the dynamics will begin to shift. The honesty and vulnerability that is part of discussing your sensitivities will help your partner understand that there are other ways in which they can support you. It will feel safer to ask your partner to be there for you and it will feel safer for them to do so. If you need additional support, please seek out a couples counselor to help you through this journey.
Dr. Rachel Orleck is a couples counselor in the Ballard Neighborhood of Seattle, WA. If you are struggling in your relationship, please feel free to reach out. Schedule a free consultation to see how Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help your relationship.
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