Just because someone holds a degree in counseling doesn’t mean they’ll be able to work with couples. Technically under the letter of their license all therapists, social workers, psychologists, and psychiatrists are able to work with couples…but should they? Dr. William Doherty describes the practice of “Bad Couples Counseling” that seems to be pervasive in the counseling world. This is where counselors who are highly competent working with individuals on a wide variety of issues, also advertise as someone who works with couples. While the research shows that the vast majority of improvement during individual counseling is derived from the relationship the individual has with their counselor, the same is not true of couples counseling. As Dr. Doherty points out in his article, the majority of therapists do not receive training in couples therapy and may not even take a couples therapy training course during their graduate school training, let alone receive supervised experience, and yet the majority of therapists offer marital therapy to potential clients. This research done by Dr. Doherty goes on to say that those therapists who do not have specific training in couples counseling can actually be causing the couple more harm than good and may leave the couple in a worse place when they end therapy.
Couples therapy involves a different set of skills and requires practice that you would rarely or never need in individual counseling. Emotions are running higher and are easily escalated in the couples session. Without the skills and practice to manage these moments, couples feel less safe to open up and explore there pain with their partner. There is often a constant threat of separation upon entering the therapy room; a discomfort that can be palpable for both the therapist and the partners. Therapists need to be able to sit with this discomfort and worry that something could end the relationship, without that getting in the way of helping these clients explore themselves and their relationship. Managing our own feelings and opinions is always necessary as a therapist, we are human too after all. However, the risk of not doing so is even higher in couples counseling as this option could pit one partner against the other and unwittingly escalate the situation.
When looking for a therapist for your relationship, here are some tips to finding someone skills enough to help:
They have additional training or certificates specific to couples counseling. For example, I continued my education beyond graduate school and now exclusively specialize in relationship and couples therapy. As a certified therapist in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, I have been approved by the board of the International Centre of Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy who have set expectations for my training, supervision, experience, and have even observed sessions of my work in order to provide the confirmation of my skills when working with couples.
Find out if the therapist is invested in helping you work through your issues. All too often I’ve heard from couples that a prior therapist has counseled them to separate. In my opinion that is never appropriate. I am invested in the relationship as long as the couple continues to be invested, no matter what I may think about it as a spectator. The couple is the authority on their relationship and no matter how long I see a couple, I will never know as much about their relationship as they do. If a partner voices wanting to separate, we will explore that and if that’s their final decision, then I will support the couple to separate as smoothly and painlessly as possible. However, prior to that decision being made, I hold space for ambivalence, but work under the belief that with continued effort most, if not all, couples issues are repairable.
Each partner should feel validated and understood by the therapist. Neither partner should feel ganged up on. That is a horrible feeling and leaves that partner feeling incredibly isolated and unsafe in the therapy room. But there is a difference between siding with one partner and validating that partner. Just because a therapist validates your partner, that doesn’t mean that they are invalidating you. I use a “Net-Neutral” approach. While there may be some moments where it might appear that I’m focusing more on one partner, which can sometimes feel like they are being sided with, over the course of therapy it should feel overall neutral.
Keep in mind that not every therapist is a good fit for each couple. Even incredibly experienced and skilled therapists won’t be able to help every couple, while that same couple could be helped by someone else. Don’t let a negative experience, or a therapist that wasn’t a good fit, be a reason to quit therapy all together. Your relationship is too important!! Sometimes it can take 2-3 sessions to know what it’s actually like to work with a therapist, but if you’re not feeling connected or like they are someone that will help you, then just let them know that it’s time for you to move on.
Here is the link to the Dr. William Doherty article referenced above.
Dr. Rachel Orleck is a couples counselor in the Ballard Neighborhood of Seattle, WA. If you are struggling in your relationship, please feel free to reach out. Schedule a free consultation to see how Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help your relationship.
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