Dear Doc,
My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 years and everything is perfect. We love all of the same things, we are excited to see each other every single day, we help each other, and I just really love the other. She’s my best friend, and partner in life! We also have so much in common, and she is just great to be around. I love her family, and she loves mine — we are all really close knit.
The only thing is, there isn’t much chemistry between us. We cuddle, and hold hands and I love that! I get excited to go to sleep, because we can cuddle and be close and watch something. It is one of my favorite parts of the day.
However, there isn’t much more than that, chemistry wise. Before, it wasn’t a huge issue, because I decided compatibility was more important, and I didn’t want to live my life with anyone else. However, the chemistry issue stays on my mind, and when it does, it makes me question everything about us and our future together. I sometimes find myself daydreaming about being close with someone else, no one in particular, just someone.
The relationship doesn’t make me unhappy, but not knowing how to proceed on this issue drives me nuts! I feel guilty all the time about it, and can’t believe I would risk the one person I care about most in life.. for chemistry? At the same time, should we really get married and have kids, if I still have my doubts about our chemistry? Will we have kids and things will be even worse down the road, and then I will be hurting even more people? I know I can't live with this on my mind forever, but maybe it will fade away again like it has so many times in the past.
I know the answer seems obvious, but it isn’t to me. If we end things, I will feel like I lost a family member.. I can’t imagine it and the pain would feel unbearable for us both.. we’ve always been a team and tackled everything together. I can’t imagine waking up to anyone else.. but should I live a life without chemistry? Is compatibility and love enough?
Sincerely,
Stuck in Indecision
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Dear Stuck in Indecision,
I am very sorry to hear that you are struggling with this decision. It certainly sounds like the relationship you have with your girlfriend is a beautiful and loving one. When I hear you talk about “chemistry”, I’m going to make the assumption that you mean sexual chemistry/sexual intimacy. If I have gotten this incorrect, I’m going to apologize in advance and invite you to write me back to correct and I will make an amendment to this posting. Sexual chemistry and intimacy is important for many couples. What I’ve learned is that when sex is good, it accounts for very little of total relationship satisfaction, but when there is a problem in the bedroom, then it affects satisfaction in a relationship greatly.
There is no way that I can make this decision for you. You know what is most important to you, what it’s like in your relationship, and what you need in order to feel satisfied. But I can give you some things to think about before you decide to end the relationship or stay in a relationship without chemistry.
Is sexual intimacy something you and your girlfriend have talked about? Can you express to her what you’re missing and work together, perhaps with the aid of sex therapist (preferably one with ASSECT training) to get those things from each other. It makes me wonder if she is feeling similarly, and if so, this might be a wonderful (although difficult) conversation to have and a way for the two of you to become so much closer.
Has there been a point in your relationship when you were enjoying each other sexually? Has sex dwindled off? Did it never exist? Were you ever interested in sex with her? What happens for you when you think about being sexual with her?
When you say that you enjoy kissing and cuddling and being close THAT is chemistry. Sexual intimacy is an extension of that. Sometimes it’s a bigger leap than we think it will be to go from cuddling and kissing to having intercourse…BUT sex is not just intercourse. There is touching other places on the body with hands, mouths, even feathers. Massage, stroking each other’s skin, communicating about what feels good, trying different pressures and speeds of touch.
As a culture, I believe, we have an expectation that sex and chemistry comes naturally, but that is truly not the case. The excitement of early relationships generally gives rise to the erotic, but ongoing sexual interest and excitement is work. This work is often about communication, play, experimentation, and ongoing flirtation/touching and creation of excitement.
Are you interested in women, men or both? Have there been other women with whom you have had chemistry? Are there men with whom you’ve had this chemistry? Is it a possibility that although you love her, your sexual orientation is ultimately attracted to men?
Few of us are actually 100% heterosexual or 100% homosexual. Per the Kinsey studies most of us lie somewhere in between. So there may be a stronger inclination towards one gender or another, which may mean that sexual compatibility in a long term relationship may or may not work. With the right interest in a person, even if the sexual preference is not as strong, it is still possible to create a well functioning sexual relationship…but not always. This is one where you really just need to listen to what your insides are telling you.
Do you want to be in a monogamous relationship? Sometimes an ethically non-monogamous relationship works for people when they have needs that can’t be satisfied by just one partner. If your relationship and emotional closeness needs are met with her, but your sexual needs cannot be, then this is an option that has worked for some. It involves creating a set of rules of when it is ok to have involvement with another partner. These rules are discussed and decided on beforehand. It mandates communication and openness with each other. These types of relationships can look as varied as all the colors in the rainbow - from mostly monogamous with occasional flings, to having multiple long term partnerships. If you choose to consider this route I highly recommend engaging in some reading first. The Ethical Slutt and Eight Things I Wish I'd Known About Polyamory: Before I Tried It and Frakked It Up are two books that I recommend (the latter is a very short quick read and good quick start guide).
If you have gone through all of these options and decided that this partnership cannot provide what you need in terms of chemistry, then I’m afraid the decision comes down to whether you can live without it or not. If you’re thinking of having a long term relationship with her, especially if you want children, then this is really something that you need to put some thought into. In some ways, it sounds like you’re already saying that you aren’t sure if you can live without this chemistry. That is ok if that’s the case. You don’t have to justify your decision, or even think about all the above questions or do the work. It’s ok to take care of your own needs first.
If however, you care about this person and want to see if THIS can be the relationship you want, then having some frank discussions with her might be necessary, even if they’re painful. That will give your relationship the best chance. This way you both can decide if you want to continue to work on the relationship, or if you both think it’s best to decide to end the relationship.
I wish you all the best of luck in your decision making.
Dr. Rachel Orleck is a couples counselor in the Ballard Neighborhood of Seattle, WA. If you are struggling in your relationship, please feel free to reach out. Schedule a free consultation to see how Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help your relationship.
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