A friend suggested that I must save clients a lot of money by helping them stay together rather than move towards divorce. The funny thing is, I never actually looked it up before. My assumption had always been that it would cost more to stay together and attend counseling, not to mention the emotional cost, than go through a divorce or break-up. So I went into research mode and the first number I was confronted with for the cost of a divorce in Seattle, WA was $13,400. That blew my mind. That is just the average cost. This includes the cost of uncontested divorces, which actually drags the average cost down by quite a bit. A 2015 study suggested that contested divorces cost between $15,000 and $30,000 PER SIDE. This all depends on additional lawsuits filed, custody battles, separation of finances, child support, etc etc. Each of those steps has its own cost of filing and lawyers’ fees. Of that average $13,400, approximately $10,600 are the lawyers fees (again keeping in mind that this number includes uncontested divorces). That is a lot of money to dissolve a marriage, or even a long-term partnership that may include children and shared property. That’s especially costly given all the emotional cost of grieving the end of a relationship, the years spent in the relationship, the work spent on trying to salvage the relationship, and eventually the cost of rebuilding lives separate from each other.
With the money, emotional hardship, sadness, and stress of ending a relationship, the cost of engaging in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) to keep couples and families together for the long haul actually doesn’t seem so bad. This work helps couples get out of their negative cycles that cause them to question the relationship and heal from infidelity, increase their connection, resolve conflicts, and improve communication. EFCT has one of the highest success rates and lowest relapse rates of any of the approaches to couples counseling. EFCT has a 70-75% recovery rate, and has been shown to help 85-90% of couples have significant improvements in their relationships. There was a reason that you decided to start a relationship, continue in that relationship, and marry (or stay in a long-term committed relationship with) that person. And while the years of stress certainly take their toll, and you may feel hopeless, I can say with all my experience and the years of other therapists’ experiences, there is hope left.
Calculated out, the total cost of therapy is typically less than the cost of breaking up. For example, it would take more than a year’s worth of weekly sessions to total just the average cost of a divorce, not even thinking about the total cost in a contested divorce or one involving child custody. Does that surprise you? It surprised me. Even if therapy lasted a whole year and you ended up spending the amount of a divorce (for just one side of the couple), you’d likely end up with a more connected, secure, and fulfilling relationship...talk about a major bonus!
Watch the video below on Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples by Sue Johnson (the co-founder of EFCT) herself. This is one of my favorite explanations of love and what EFCT can do to help you reconnect and fall in love again.
Click Here for a direct link to the video
Of course every couple needs to make the decision about whether taking the step to work on their relationship is worthwhile for them. Some ambivalence is normal when beginning this process. Please feel free to reach out to me or another couples counselor if you are considering divorce and want to try and reconnect with your partner first.
Dr. Rachel Orleck is a couples counselor in the Ballard Neighborhood of Seattle, WA. If you are struggling in your relationship, please feel free to reach out. Schedule a free consultation to see how Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help your relationship.
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