Blame gets in the way of moving forward in couples therapy and is a roadblock that I work on with couples quite frequently. Blame makes a lot of sense. Of course we don’t want to be the one at fault for negatively impacting our partner. It is so painful to think about hurting our partner that it’s a natural reaction to push that responsibility off of ourselves. Through blame we defend against an anticipated attack; this makes us feel safer, more protected, and like we have more control.
Likely the desired outcome of blame is that our partner will apologize for hurting us, which would send the message that we are cared for by our partner, and inevitably make us feel soothed and more connected. However, this is rarely the actual outcome. Likely, blame will escalate the argument putting our partner on the defense as well. Think of a boxing ring where someone took the first punch, the opponent’s only course of action is to then put up his (or her) gloves and take a shot to push back the attack.
When you both are preparing for the next attack, defenses are too high to truly listen and express yourselves from an emotional place. This becomes a HUGE missed opportunity. These emotions, empathy, and expressions of care are the bridge to connection, resolution, and further intimacy.
One of my favorite teachers in graduate school used to say “Would you rather be happy or right?” Because you can’t always have both in a relationship. Needing to be in the right may result in being alone (either physically or emotionally).
The truth is that it is really never all one person’s responsibility. Research tells us that issues in a relationship are never only one person’s fault; both partners inevitably impact each other to produce a negative outcome. This is really a chicken and egg situation. The best and most empathic way to break this cycle is for YOU to take responsibility for YOUR PART of the impact. Apologizing for your part in your partner’s pain, and openly listening to their hurt, will likely help your partner feel close to you again. This opens the door for your partner to also be more open and vulnerable with you, getting you closer to what you long for - a deep connection with your partner.
Dr. Rachel Orleck is a couples counselor in the Ballard Neighborhood of Seattle, WA. If you are struggling in your relationship, please feel free to reach out. Schedule a free consultation to see how Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help your relationship.
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