The holidays are a stressful time of year. They seem to hit on all the pieces of a relationship that can cause friction: 1. Religion, 2. Money, 3. In-laws, 4. Parenting, 5. Blended families, and I’m sure there are even more. How you celebrate the holidays are as unique within a family unit as patterns within snowflakes, but it seems like the aforementioned issues are some of the big argument triggers.
Some of the biggest ways to prevent these issues from becoming problematic during the holiday season is to plan ahead. Ask yourself and your partner the following questions and create a plan:
- Are we incorporating religion into this years holiday ceremony? If so, how much and what will that look like?
- How much money are you budgeting for gifts? Are there any gifts that are a must get that you need to budget around? For example, your 5 year old needs a specific type of doll this holiday and you need to set aside a certain amount of $$$ for that and then can buy everyone else a gift.
- Whose families, if any, will you be visiting or inviting this year? Does anyone in your family cause friction with your partner? And how can you prepare a game plan for dealing with this? For example, your mother-in-law drives you crazy, so is there a way that your partner can run interference or you can schedule time to be with them in short bursts?
- Will the kids stay up late on the night of the big holiday celebration? Can they eat more sweets than usual? Are they allowed to open a present up the night before or only on the day of?
- Where will the kids be spending their time this holiday? How can you negotiate and coordinate with your ex to make sure that it feels like a fair trade?
Of course, even the best prepared plan goes awry and there can be arguments or frustrations. How do you then repair the damage?
- Create a code word or signal with your partner to let them know when you’re starting to get upset.
- Recognize when you’ve raised your voice or said something unkind and go to your partner to apologize.
- Identify to your partner where your frustration came from.
- Tell your partner that you love them.
- Hold their hand or give them a hug.
Also please remember to take time out together and have fun! Here are some ideas:
- Get a babysitter or childcare for a night and go ice skating
- Write each other notes to let them know how grateful you are to have them with you
- Unwrap a present alone together
- Go for a walk
- Create a game, like a treasure hunt or riddle game, for your partner to play throughout the week around the holidays
The weeks surrounding the holidays are all about balance. Planning to prevent frustrations, repairing from the frustrations, and balancing all the stress with fun so it isn’t all frustrating! Happy holidays everyone!
Dr. Rachel Orleck is a couples counselor in the Ballard Neighborhood of Seattle, WA. If you are struggling in your relationship, please feel free to reach out. Schedule a free consultation to see how Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help your relationship.
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