Dear Doc,
I have been with my partner for five years. He and I have been through a lot together and he is very important to me. But I've felt for some time that things just weren't right between us. I think we have different values, likes/dislikes, and I'm just not getting what I need from her. We fight all the time and it doesn't seem like he really hears what I say when I try to talk to him about it. Things just aren't changing. We planned to spend our lives together, I just feel so disappointed. I feel like I'm moving forward and my partner isn't. But whenever I think about ending things I feel so anxious. We have a son together and I'm afraid of how ending the relationship will affect him. I keep trying to imagine what his reaction will be and that just makes it worse. Also, part of me feels comfortable and it would upset my life to leave him. I could really use some help to figure out how to end this relationship.
Sincerely,
Stuck in Complacency
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Dear Stuck in Complacency,
Thank you for bringing up this question. It's actually been something coming up a lot in my practice over the past few months. Breaking up is incredibly difficult, especially when you care deeply for that person and have a life entwined with them. Unfortunately, there is absolutely no easy way to end a relationship, but being clear and honest with your partner is the kindest way.
Considering the life you have built with your partner, I'll quickly ask you to consider the following question: Do you want to end the relationship because you are done, or do you feel stuck? If the latter, have you tried couples therapy? Counseling can be particularly helpful when it seems impossible to make headway alone. A therapist might be able to provide some direction and distill the message you're trying to get across to your partner. This might help you get out of the pattern that you both are stuck in. Sometimes disconnection feels so overwhelming that the only answer seems to be to end the relationship.
That is not to say that you have to do couples counseling. If you are sure about your decision to end this relationship, that is ok too. It is perfectly normal to feel sad and anxious, even when sure of the decision.
Let me speak to your concern about your son. While part of being a parent is taking care of your child and making them a priority, it doesn't mean forsaking your own needs or wants. While I'm sure seeing both parents regularly has some impact, I know from the research that there is a strong negative impact of living in a home full of conflict and not seeing your parents show affection to each other. Also, staying in a relationship where you are truly unhappy sends a strong message to them about the "normalcy" of what they might need to give up in a relationship. They would overall be much better served by you being able to be present, supportive, and caring...perhaps even having future positive relationships where affection is seen as a healthy part of an adult relationship. You teach your child how to relate to their romantic partners, so modeling a healthy relationship is more important that living with them full time. A fair and well thought out child plan/schedule can be created with you and your ex in such a way that your son feels taken care of by both parents equally.
When ending a relationship, the kindest thing that you can do is to be direct and honest. Finding a time when you can be alone and talk. Speak from your wants/feelings/beliefs and with as little ambiguity as possible. For example saying something like "I'm not sure that we should be together" leaves room for your partner to still have hope that you will find a solution to stay together. Rather saying something like "I haven't been happy and I don't think that this is a good fit for me, I want to separate/break up/divorce" is much clearer. Some additional points to bring up might be assuring him that you want to continue to work with him to raise your son and that this breakup is a "fit issue" rather than him being a bad person. Likely after saying something like that he will have a lot of questions and the rest of the conversation might flow naturally. If they ask, you can speak to specific aspects of your relationship that you are wanting to end (such as not feeling like he was able to give you what you needed), but try to avoid negative tone or blaming language. Even conveying his behaviors can be about you if you follow it up with "[when this happened in our relationship]...I felt [sad/hurt/scared] and over time I got to a place where I no longer want to try." Also acknowledging ways that you could have done part of your relationship differently can help provide some calm and honest closure.
I know a break up comes with BIG changes. You have been with your partner for a long time and it is really scary to think about doing things on your own. Most of that fear is likely anticipation, maybe your brain is telling you that you won't be able to make it without him. I'm sure you will quickly figure out how to cope with daily tasks, figure out activities to keep you busy, and re-ignite your support system. Some of these changes might be exciting. But some of the change will lead to the natural grieving process that follows the end of a significant relationship. Please be kind to yourself and allow enough time to grieve this loss, it isn't made much easier by being the one initiating the break up.
Of course keep in mind that couples therapists aren't only good for helping you mend a relationship, but they can also be a good support to help you end a relationship in a caring way.
Dr. Rachel Orleck is a couples counselor in the Ballard Neighborhood of Seattle, WA. If you are struggling in your relationship, please feel free to reach out. Schedule a free consultation to see how Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help your relationship.
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