Dating is so damn hard! Everyone says this, yet at the same time I think we always expect it to be easier. Some people go into the dating world with excitement and fun...if you're one of those people that's great, but this article may not be for you. Others view dating as a the fifth circle of hell in Dante's inferno. You know that place somewhere after you're swallowed whole and somewhere before you get spat out the other end? Dante's Inferno is kind of an apt analogy really - as it is one book of the "Divine Comedy" - if there was ever a truly ironic name.
What type of story would your life take on? I used to see my own life as a coming of age of a young woman trying to find her place in the world through career and individuality. Now, I see life more as a love story. Sometimes it's a romantic comedy, sometimes it's dramatic and painfully sad. I started noticing this shift during a more challenging part of my life that involved the end of a significant relationship.
Before this time, I perhaps did not recognize how important it is to feel loved and how soothing it could be to have this when confronted with life's stresses. For anyone who has ever ended a significant relationship, I'm sure you can relate. There is the loss of dreams that we expected to come, family, friendships, and noticing of all the "lasts". Then the loneliness, the confusion, the feeling of utter vulnerability, and the fear of ending up alone.
At some point your family and friends start urging you to "get back out there" so you re-enter the dating scene. This means going on a blind date, online dating, or accepting a date from someone randomly out in your world. So now that you're back out there the hard part is over, right? WRONG! Now the hard part just starts. You're interested in people who don't seem to be as interested in you, people are interested in you that you want nothing to do with. And the dating advice out there is enough to drive you bat.shit.crazy! Do this, but don't do that...be honest, but not too honest...make them chase you, but show them that you're interested. I mean really, wtf? And if someone tells you to "just have fun" one more time you're going to blow your lid.
You notice that you feel anxious all the time, your on this emotional rollercoaster where you feel excited for a millisecond then all of a sudden you're in tears, you're worried that you've done something to mess things up, or your not confident enough, or attractive enough, or funny enough. How do you allow yourself to be vulnerable when it seems like this will only result in more pain? How do you trust your instincts when they seem to be wrong? It's dizzying just to write this paragraph. And living through it feels like standing in one of those fun house spinning rooms, and almost as nauseating.
The truth is that the dating 'game play' ultimately won't work. You may attract more people initially, but the sustainability and depth of those relationships will ultimately be disappointing. That's because the true you isn't shining through when you're so worried about saying and doing the "right" thing. That's not to say that some healthy boundaries aren't important - oversharing with someone who hasn't earned your trust yet is certainly a thing. But finding what is authentically you and allowing that to come through with confidence and vulnerability will be what is most attractive about you and be the best foundation for a healthy relationship. This authenticity could even be the piece of you that you find most vulnerable and sometimes like least about yourself. This could be your sensitivity, your nerdiness, or your need for comfort, just to name a few. Being aware and self-compassionate with these areas of yourself is paramount in attracting, and being attracted to, the right people for you.
Dr. Rachel Orleck is a couples counselor in the Ballard Neighborhood of Seattle, WA. If you are struggling in your relationship, please feel free to reach out. Schedule a free consultation to see how Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help your relationship.
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